Well, that hurt.

I guess there is a part of me that really hates writing this, but at the same time I believe that it was no accident that yesterday's conversation with Eleanor took place. It always amazes me, it is literally constantly mind-blowing, how sanctifying child - bearing / rearing really is. Its like the Lord is trying to shake me…. "are you listening??? please tell me you heard that, Karen….". I just want to say I get it, today, I get it. 

It really has all started ever since my little darling, precious, perfect angel baby turned 3 years old. Its as if something woke up this part of her that she nor I are familiar with… and well, if I am being completely honest a part that I am NOT loving. (Keeping it real here, sweetheart… you'll understand when you are a mom someday). It is as if Eleanor has realized that she can have an opinion about, well, what can't she have an opinion about?.... gasp. All of the sudden challenging momma's thoughts or ideas is not only possible, but really, really fun.. So we have been battling a little form of tug-of-war for the past few weeks…. everything from: 

"Hey Eleanor, put on your shoes so we can go to the park!" - me

"NOOOO, I don't WaAaNT to." - Eleanor

.... to

"Eleanor, we need to pick up our toys before we leave" - me

"But MOOOOOOOOM….' - Eleanor

People, this baby girl is 3. Not 13. What happened? Am I in a time-warp??

Well, as one could imagine, lately there has been a whole lot of attitude and a whole lot to time-out. and spankings. and threats of spankings. and conversations about respect. and moments where I become a version of myself (imagine an adult throwing a tantrum alongside of their toddler - me trying to get my way - which side note: I'm the mom. I get my way.) that I hate….. and I look up realizing this whole "mom" thing actually is a lot. And it is going to hurt, a lot. 

Fast forward to yesterday. We were in the car headed to pre-school and I was just having a moment where my heart wanted to burst every time I looked back in the rearview mirror….. I mean, those beautiful kids are MINE??? Sometimes I could just stare, or kiss them, all day long. It was one of these moments.. So I happily exclaimed, "Hey Eleanor, I love you SO much!" thinking maybe she wouldn't say anything back, maybe she would do her nervous little laugh or shout of glee, or maybe she would even say it back. Instead, I was met with….

"well, I don't love you. I love daddy." - Eleanor

Gulp.

So what are you supposed to say to that? "Um, yes sweetheart you DO love me… and by golly I will MAKE YOU SAY IT!"… no, probably not the best response. So instead I just decided to play off of the positive and praise her for loving her daddy. So I asked, "Eleanor, what do you love about daddy??"

She immediately BIT back at me. Instead of pouring out her undying affection for her daddy (which is a real thing, folks), she simply said… "well, my daddy gives me things. Like at breakfast time, daddy would have given me a cereal bar."

Time-out….. back at breakfast (30 minutes prior to this conversation) Eleanor had asked for a bar… but it was just not going to happen. Breakfast is typically the only meal that I can get her to eat something outside of packaged goods, so I didn't give her that option. I gave her the option to have a waffle, peanut butter toast or a bowl of oatmeal. (she chose the toast). But goodness gracious, I had no idea that her bars were that important to her…. I simply said she could have it as a snack after nap time. No harm, no foul and really no fight about it… but apparently, that just really upset my princess. 

So here we are and I have the option to fight back (which as you can tell has obviously been the theme of our interactions for the last few weeks) or I could show Eleanor a simple, maybe even cheeky, version of unconditional love. And that, for whatever reason in that moment, is what I decided to do. 

"I love that you get cereal bars from daddy…. he knows you love them and wants to give you good things. But Eleanor, mommy does to. I love giving you good things. And I want to tell you something…. even when I don't give you exactly what you want and even when you aren't happy with me…. and whether you love me or not… I love you SO much!"

*Cue Tripper, "schewl bus!" (we were on the way to school and he loves pointing out trucks and buses… but really, I think his plan was just to break the awkward silence Eleanor left after I told her I loved her again). 

And here is what I have been wrestling with ever since….. that hurt. In my flesh and in my heart and as a mom, that hurt. My little girl told me she didn't love me.  I don't want to downplay the fact that I so wish she would have just said "you too!" (or even just "thanks!")…. it hurt and robbed me of this little bubble we have just lived in. Since my kids have been born I have just felt this safety of an I've got your back, you've got mine, we love each other and you make me proud and you complete me and all my dreams came true with you, kind of world…. and to the reality that like me, Eleanor is human. And my interactions with her are going to be like human. Like SINNER human. And we are going to hurt one another. In that moment, I was like entering a rite-of-passage as a real mom…. one who's kids don't always obey, sit quietly, smile on cue, or heck, love them. 

And then came the sanctifying moment. Oh Eleanor…. you are me. You are me, you are me, you are me. The Lord looks down on me and He LOVES me. But I bicker, I wager, I fight, I disrespect, and sometimes, I don't "love" Him because it is all based on condition. The whole, what are you going to give me?, mentality (um, how about imputed righteousness? that enough for you, Karen??).  But seriously, its like my love for the Lord, or really my hunger for the Lord tends to shift like sand in regards to what is in it for me, far too often. And quite frankly, he has every right to say… "you spoiled brat. you have life because of me. and you know "cereal bar" you wanted… well it isn't good for you and that is why you didn't get it for breakfast, okay? so there's that!"…. nope, instead He continues to love, without condition, simply because I am His. 

Eleanor, you are mine. So I will love you without condition. There is nothing, repeat NOTHING, that you could do (or not do) in your life that could possibly keep me from shouting that you are MY DAUGHTER from the rooftops. I want the WORLD to know… you and Tripper, you are my heart. you are my biggest accomplishment and there is nothing in this world, aside from my salvation and my covenant marriage to your daddy, that can even hold a candle to you guys. And nothing you can do will change that. Not even telling me that you don't love me. I love you. I absolutely love you - your heart, your soul, your countenance, your eyes, your hair, your laugh, your stories, your passion, your string-bean arms and legs… you. I love you. 

Thank you Lord, for loving me like I love Eleanor and Tripp. For exceeding that a million times over. For loving me when I was unlovable - and in the many times where you do not get my love in return. Thank you that it is because YOU loved me to the point of coming to earth, living like me, bearing my sin and shame on the cross and defeating death once and for all, that I have the chance to know and love you back. Thank you that your grace extends well beyond my weakness. Thank you for wooing me to YOU in having my daughter pierce my heart with a silly conversation. You really are in all, You really are ALL.

I have a feeling that conversations with Eleanor and Tripp (and any subsequent children) like this will continue to happen…. there are going to fight me, challenge me, "hate" me time and again for really dumb things. I pray that You constantly bring me back to You… to Your grace, mercy and love for me. And that you would equip me in that moment, and the following moments, to teach and lead my kids to a clear picture of unconditional, unwavering, unchanging and steadfast love.