Seeing Closure (but not really).
I'll never forget writing this letter…. I thought about it all day and would not allow myself to go to bed until I had written it. I wanted Baby #3 to know my exact thoughts the day I learned of them - just like I had for Eleanor and Tripp. I guess the funny (actually, not funny at all) thing about writing it, was that I was scared the whole time. I was so nervous that if I actually put my thoughts on paper (or in the computer) that anything going wrong would be magnified that much more. I call that funny only because I really didn't have that with E and T…. of course I was always nervous or scared that I could lose them in the womb, but I don't know if I can explain it. Just a different feeling…. one that I guess I couldn't really believe it was that easy again, pregnant for the third time., and it felt really fragile.
I've been nauseous for the last 4 days. I think a part of me kept denying that I really was feeling queasy because so badly I had hoped I was dizzy for a reason. We haven't been trying for another baby... but on the same note, we haven't NOT been trying, either. So I kind of wonder every month if I could, in fact, be pregnant.
Right after we had Tripper boy, BJ and I agreed that we would cool our baby-making jets for 5 minutes and take a bit of a gap between Tripp and any other kids that may join our clan. Specifically, we knew we were headed to Hawaii this June and BJ desperately wanted to travel with someone not pregnant (the last 2 times we had been there I was most definitely with child). So we agreed that while we both didn't believe our family was "complete", that for the foreseeable future we would play it cool.
Well, we returned from Hawaii about 2 weeks ago now (boo!).... and we never really talked much about it, didn't "table it" for further discussion... but we both agreed that we were happy we made it to our goal of going on vacation and being able to enjoy adult beverages :).
So back to yesterday.... I've been super nauseous all week and started cramping pretty badly at one point in they day... so I told BJ that I was pretty sure I was about to (ahem) become a lady. It really didn't even cross our minds (not true - it was absolutely smeared all over my mind) that I could be pregnant. I just didn't want to get my hopes up and then (ahem) become a lady.... but then a few more hours passed and that all-too-familiar "morning" sickness made itself completely obvious. There was NO way that this was just heartburn, or carsickness, or indigestion, or dizziness, or fatigue... No, I felt like this a total of 32 weeks in my life before, so I know it well (12 with Eleanor and 20 with Tripp).
In the most ridiculous "let's play it cool there is NO way I am pregnant I just want to be positive" way, I sent BJ to the store to buy a test... seeing as it was 10:30pm at night, we went to bed knowing they work best in the morning. The problem... the "morning" sickness... it was super full-throttle by this point and I was miserable trying to go to bed for the better part of all night long. Woo.
Woke up to sweet Tripper saying "Mommmmmmaaa.....!!!" in his bed around 7:30am (I think I had fallen asleep around 3am.... and decided I would take the test before I went to get him from his crib. I found myself nervous and anxious and worried and excited all at once. Thinking, ok if this stick says "not pregnant" you will be okay - because I am pretty sure I am not and we haven't even tried and I mean, the Lord's timing will be perfect..... but at the same time, giddy just hoping I would see this....
Tripper and I walked back in to find this little message and both started to cry. Not really, Tripper said "milk" and I cried and laughed and smiled and squeezed my middle child with great joy. We went straight to get Eleanor and I couldn't believe my baby girl would be the oldest of my children... and that this BIG girl is actually old enough to have two siblings younger than her when I feel like I remember this moment finding out that I was pregnant with her as if it was yesterday. Life is so bizarrely fast. And so, so good.
It took BJ all of 3 minutes after walking in from work to ask if I had taken "the test".... and I couldn't hold it in. Yep, its true. Momma isn't nuts... I know my body, I know "morning" sickness and Baby Rector #3 is coming March 1 (or late February). We. Are. THRILLED.
Little one, you are LOVED - I can't even tell you how excited I am to have you in my tummy right now. I had to write it out before I went to bed because I never want to forget how humbled, how emotional, how excited I am about finding out that you are growing and our family gets YOU. You have been prayed FOR, you are a blessing and you have the two best older siblings already practicing (on each other) for how to properly hold a baby. Thank you, Jesus, for this gift - my dreams are coming true, again.... You are so faithful to know the desires of our hearts and have timing that is perfectly from You.... Baby Rector #3, come to Momma :)!
BLURG. Reading that again hurts. So why share this? I never want to forget (not like I ever would). But I also never realized how many people have gone through, are going through or possibly will go through this one day... I just want to shout out: you are not alone. And you are not crazy for your pain. It hurts - It sucks - Its real... but He heals. He calls us to rest in that.... "Come to ME all of you who are weary and heavy laden, I WILL give you rest." Matthew 11:28
So I wrote what is below…. knowing that the letter to our sweet Baby #3 would be the first in their baby book (um, this blog) like E and T both have. I put it out there and praised the Lord that He had trusted us, again, with a miracle.
June was a crazy month for us… we had traveled to Hawaii with the kids and both sets of grandparents, BJ had transitioned from a traveling to a home-based role at SAP and I was having a pretty big month in my business. Finding out that we were pregnant on June 23rd simply made for an exciting cherry-on-top to the chaos. I mean, THRILLED, and honestly BJ and I just couldn't believe what blessings were being afforded to us and how our life was really just in an AWESOME place. This was the icing on the cake - to say the least. Of course my OCD (when I want it to be) mind starting planning, preparing and dreaming about what the nursery would look like, how it would work in our new house, what this baby would look like, etc etc etc….. and I continued to do so for the next week.
I went to bed on June 30 and remember telling BJ I would never forget that night as long as I lived. Like I said, I was having a pretty big month for business and found out that day that I had officially qualified for a brand new Lexus with my company…. again, humbled beyond belief at all that was going on. I mean, a job that keeps me home with my kids and pays me more than I could have ever dreamed possible, a new car on top of that AND most importantly, a new baby. I'd never forget that feeling, I told myself. And I know it now more than ever, I never will.
July 1st hit like a tons of bricks. I woke up around 4am and knew… that precious baby, I'd lost it. Only hours before I thought I was untouchable, and here I was in the wee hours of the morning gasping for air, suffocating by the reality that the sweet baby I was rejoicing over was now not going to be a reality on earth.
I have a lot of friends that have walked through miscarriage - and I've read a lot of blogs over the years describing the loss of a pregnancy or child…. I've read or heard about them, feared it more than anything in the world, but never assumed it would be me. Never even had the idea of what that would feel like…. because who would want to imagine that? Or wish it upon their worst enemy?
I don't have a point to this…. nor a conclusion that I even know how to write. I just wanted to have a place where I could honor that sweet baby we wanted, we lost and that quite frankly, I am still really grieving. Not sure I ever want to stop grieving, because then it is as if I've moved on… or forgotten… I haven't. I won't. I would be lying if I said I'm not angry, confused and sad that I won't know that child this side of heaven. And yet here I am, again, choosing to trust that I have a Father who meets me in the pain. He has… I'm breathing today and that is proof. Grace for the moment, I constantly need it and He's given it.
Don't challenge my theology here, because well, my heart won't be able to handle it…. but Lord beg the day when our faith shall be sight. United with our Savior in heaven and my Sweet Baby #3.
I've been nauseous for the last 4 days. I think a part of me kept denying that I really was feeling queasy because so badly I had hoped I was dizzy for a reason. We haven't been trying for another baby... but on the same note, we haven't NOT been trying, either. So I kind of wonder every month if I could, in fact, be pregnant.
Right after we had Tripper boy, BJ and I agreed that we would cool our baby-making jets for 5 minutes and take a bit of a gap between Tripp and any other kids that may join our clan. Specifically, we knew we were headed to Hawaii this June and BJ desperately wanted to travel with someone not pregnant (the last 2 times we had been there I was most definitely with child). So we agreed that while we both didn't believe our family was "complete", that for the foreseeable future we would play it cool.
Well, we returned from Hawaii about 2 weeks ago now (boo!).... and we never really talked much about it, didn't "table it" for further discussion... but we both agreed that we were happy we made it to our goal of going on vacation and being able to enjoy adult beverages :).
So back to yesterday.... I've been super nauseous all week and started cramping pretty badly at one point in they day... so I told BJ that I was pretty sure I was about to (ahem) become a lady. It really didn't even cross our minds (not true - it was absolutely smeared all over my mind) that I could be pregnant. I just didn't want to get my hopes up and then (ahem) become a lady.... but then a few more hours passed and that all-too-familiar "morning" sickness made itself completely obvious. There was NO way that this was just heartburn, or carsickness, or indigestion, or dizziness, or fatigue... No, I felt like this a total of 32 weeks in my life before, so I know it well (12 with Eleanor and 20 with Tripp).
In the most ridiculous "let's play it cool there is NO way I am pregnant I just want to be positive" way, I sent BJ to the store to buy a test... seeing as it was 10:30pm at night, we went to bed knowing they work best in the morning. The problem... the "morning" sickness... it was super full-throttle by this point and I was miserable trying to go to bed for the better part of all night long. Woo.
Woke up to sweet Tripper saying "Mommmmmmaaa.....!!!" in his bed around 7:30am (I think I had fallen asleep around 3am.... and decided I would take the test before I went to get him from his crib. I found myself nervous and anxious and worried and excited all at once. Thinking, ok if this stick says "not pregnant" you will be okay - because I am pretty sure I am not and we haven't even tried and I mean, the Lord's timing will be perfect..... but at the same time, giddy just hoping I would see this....
Tripper and I walked back in to find this little message and both started to cry. Not really, Tripper said "milk" and I cried and laughed and smiled and squeezed my middle child with great joy. We went straight to get Eleanor and I couldn't believe my baby girl would be the oldest of my children... and that this BIG girl is actually old enough to have two siblings younger than her when I feel like I remember this moment finding out that I was pregnant with her as if it was yesterday. Life is so bizarrely fast. And so, so good.
It took BJ all of 3 minutes after walking in from work to ask if I had taken "the test".... and I couldn't hold it in. Yep, its true. Momma isn't nuts... I know my body, I know "morning" sickness and Baby Rector #3 is coming March 1 (or late February). We. Are. THRILLED.
Little one, you are LOVED - I can't even tell you how excited I am to have you in my tummy right now. I had to write it out before I went to bed because I never want to forget how humbled, how emotional, how excited I am about finding out that you are growing and our family gets YOU. You have been prayed FOR, you are a blessing and you have the two best older siblings already practicing (on each other) for how to properly hold a baby. Thank you, Jesus, for this gift - my dreams are coming true, again.... You are so faithful to know the desires of our hearts and have timing that is perfectly from You.... Baby Rector #3, come to Momma :)!
BLURG. Reading that again hurts. So why share this? I never want to forget (not like I ever would). But I also never realized how many people have gone through, are going through or possibly will go through this one day... I just want to shout out: you are not alone. And you are not crazy for your pain. It hurts - It sucks - Its real... but He heals. He calls us to rest in that.... "Come to ME all of you who are weary and heavy laden, I WILL give you rest." Matthew 11:28
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