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Wishing We Knew the Ending

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From July 2013 until November 2017, BJ and I faced secondary infertility. This painful road was so isolating, heartbreaking and awkward... I cringe, actually, thinking back on some of those dark days. When we were surprised to find out we were pregnant with Dorothy Grace, our real-life miracle and testimony of God's kindness to us, it was truly like a fairy tale. Too good to be true. Unfathomable. Pinch me, daily, kind of joy. And pretty much every single day of her life has continued to give us this sense of wonder, of joy, or praise and worship to God for entrusting us with her life. Its as if now I can look back at those dark days and exhale.... I know the ending, I can look back without those panic attacks creeping in, because Dorothy Grace is in my arms today. She's the constant banner in our lives that point us to Christ, reminding us that we can trust Him! The gift of her life has made us appreciate, celebrate, and more deeply love Eleanor and Tripp, as well. Truly, our…

The Bravest Girl I Know

Its one of the most captivating things about our Eleanor. She is constantly brave.... in the face of things that scare, intimidate or challenge her we literally watch her overcome emotions of fear with a resolution that she can rise above it. For most of her life, we've celebrated this quality when we've seen her naturally act upon it. Many times, we've spoken it over her to remind her that we see this beautiful trait as we speak belief into whatever situation, trial or opportunity she has that may be holding her back. Our intentions have always been to celebrate the girl we see who is scared, but does it anyway.

But you know what isn't easy? Watching your "brave" girl not being able to put into words that she is scared, or anxious, or needs help but doesn't know how to ask. This year when Eleanor transitioned to her new school, she had mixed emotions leading up to the first day, as naturally, all of us would have. She was going to be the only new girl in…

9 weeks

July 1, 2013 was the day I had my miscarriage. I hadn't seen the words "Pregnant" on a test since and we have tried for over 4 years. November 21, 2017 may be one of the best days of my life {for now - it will be replaced when you arrive} because hope rushed in. You are growing inside of me - and that is a miracle. Its the greatest gift and I will still not have the words to explain all the emotions in my heart... It may burst. 

Sweet, sweet redemption. I don't know why daddy and I didn't put it together in the doctor's office... I'm sure it was because staring at your heartbeat on the screen was so overwhelming in and of itself there was no room for any other thoughts.... but baby, you are due the first week of July. F I V E years later.... the Lord has redeemed our mourning and will turn it to dancing. What has been a day, week, month of great sorrow will now be redeemed with life. Your precious life. It will NEVER, ever take away the pain of losing BR#3…

I can think of no other title, but His kindness overwhelms.

Back in August I wrote my heart out sharing my quiet, an often not so quiet, pain that I have felt for the last four years. I wanted to put my thoughts down in words, maybe for the 100th time, but often in my writing I find the real wrestle in my heart. I've struggled deeply with the promise that God is good. I KNOW He is good.... but the "even if not".... the even if we aren't spared from this raging fire in Babylon, even if we lose it all, even if we never receive what our hearts want most... He is still good and its all for His glory and our goodness. I've struggled and wrestled and prayed and yelled and cried for the last four years begging to believe this truth in the midst of isolating, then marital, then family pain desiring for our family to grow. And here is where He has been so sweet.... I've had to wrestle. I've had to admit that I'm struggling believing it (He knew). I had to shepherd my children through that very same pain and confusion. 

Tripper Boy Goes to Kinder

Last year I sobbed and sobbed through sentences as I prepared for Eleanor to start Kindergarten.... and exactly one year later, here I am again, prepping to send my baby boy to school. Its funny, because I am not as emotional as I was last year {yet...} but I am exponentially more excited to see what all this year holds in store for my Tripper.

Buddy, since the day you were born you have lived up to your name... in every way. You really are the strong-willed warrior (William) that we prayed you would be. Sometimes, I wish it wasn't as heavily weighted on the "strong-willed" portion, but you know what, I don't really mean that. Because here is what I see in you.... someone who is so convicted of his desires that literally neither hell or high water will keep you from accomplishing or getting what you want. Currently, this makes parenting you VERY hard. But it makes the duty of shepherding your heart incredibly exciting.... because what greater prayer could we have fo…

Its not just hard on mama.

It is no secret, though of course it is not in all of my conversations, that we have been struggling with infertility for the last 4 years. My last pregnancy was in 2013 and resulted in an early miscarriage.... from that point on, we have been unable to conceive. We've visited all our doctors, specialists, had tests run and small procedures done... but we have never once seen those sweet two lines on a test again. I won't lie - it sucks and it has sucked every day for the last 4 years. But somehow, the Lord has also really done a great work in my heart through this struggle and wanting. For the longest time I would pray Daniel 3:18 just yearning to believe the words that even "if not, He is still good." Truly, I didn't believe it - didn't want to believe it because then I told myself that was a way of letting God off of the hook - if I confessed that He was good, His plan for our family is good, regardless if I get what I want.... well, then just take what I …

S E V E N

Tomorrow, you are seven.

Eleanor..... do you even know how much my world has changed with you in it? You aren't perfect. But baby girl, you are everything. I'll never be able to put into words the magnitude of love my heart holds for you. I {love} hate the fact that I remember exactly, I mean EXACTLY, the moment when labor began with you and yet.... you are seven. you are SEVEN. how? sweetie, these years are going by so quickly... too quickly.... and my heart just can't keep up.

I told someone a few months ago that I would give my right arm to get back those first few months with you for just a day... and I'm struggling repeating that sentiment today because I know in just a few short years I'll be pleading to repeat ages five, six, seven and beyond with you again. I've probably written this before but in case I haven't... I remember about two weeks after you were born I was walking in Northpark mall with you when a man came up to me and asked how old my ba…