Wishing We Knew the Ending

From July 2013 until November 2017, BJ and I faced secondary infertility. This painful road was so isolating, heartbreaking and awkward... I cringe, actually, thinking back on some of those dark days. When we were surprised to find out we were pregnant with Dorothy Grace, our real-life miracle and testimony of God's kindness to us, it was truly like a fairy tale. Too good to be true. Unfathomable. Pinch me, daily, kind of joy. And pretty much every single day of her life has continued to give us this sense of wonder, of joy, or praise and worship to God for entrusting us with her life. Its as if now I can look back at those dark days and exhale.... I know the ending, I can look back without those panic attacks creeping in, because Dorothy Grace is in my arms today. She's the constant banner in our lives that point us to Christ, reminding us that we can trust Him! The gift of her life has made us appreciate, celebrate, and more deeply love Eleanor and Tripp, as well. Truly, our parenting has changed FOREVER from the moment we heard the news that I was pregnant that sweet, sweet day. Days can't go slow enough, for me... because I look up and the weeks have flown by. I LOVE BEING A MAMA. And I'm so, so thankful that I have three lives on earth to get to raise with BJ.

But yes, I wish I knew the ending. I think I've proven myself to be an open book.... so why stop now? When BJ and I started dating we constantly dreamed of 4 babies. A picture, perfect life we had in our minds with 2 boys, 2 girls - that of course were best friends, well mannered and obedient (again these are our dreams so laugh with us now!). So Dorothy Grace arriving opened up our hearts to what we grieved for years... the death of that "dream". God is a creator, He created her life and the hope of my "dream" coming true... my family, just like I'd prayed, pleaded, cried, hoped, dreamed of wasn't yet complete. The Lord heard our prayers, our aches, or desires and trusted us with more life! So, who knows what He has yet still in store, right? I remember sitting with multiple friends, confidants, family members... heck, really anyone that would listen saying that in my joy over Dorothy Grace that I would never, ever, ever get over it... and that regardless if I couldn't have any more children, I could not believe that she was in my arms. And I'll add this.... that sentiment hasn't changed. Forever I will glorify the Creator who so intentionally blessed us with all three of our kids and I'll never, ever stop singing praises to Him, and Him alone. My heart is overwhelmed!  My heart, however, is also... admittedly, wanting.

I wrestle with sharing so openly because when I put it down on paper, it really makes me feel like I am so self-focuses, so unsatisfied and seemingly ungrateful with the blessings right in front of my face. But in this wrestle, also keenly aware that the desire to have, and raise, children is actually of God. And so today, I'm just here to admit out loud that I wish we knew the ending.

This fall, BJ and I decided to meet with our doctors to see what fertility looked like for us. In our hearts, we would love nothing more than for our family to grow again. Just as before, the doctors confirmed what we are painfully aware of... on paper and according to the science of it all, we do not look like we'll be having more biological children. My heart wants to scream, and cry, and throw a tantrum just like a little kid not getting their way. And maybe I have, a little. But my perspective has also changed.... I see grace for the moment in my Dorothy Grace's little voice and sassy self, in Tripper's cuddles and unmatched passion for life, in Eleanor's beauty and this precious growing relationship between us. I'll never stop thanking the Lord for these babies. I'll never understand His goodness towards us in entrusting them to us. I'll rejoice, even in the midst of my great sorrow, for all that He has done in my life.

I laid on the table at our doctors office on November 2, 2019. Almost 2 years to the day of when I got the call that I was pregnant with Dorothy Grace. This time, it was in hope that she'd have a younger sibling. I did it again on December 2nd. Today, January 18, 2020... there is still no younger sibling on the way. And I'm heartbroken. But I'm also counting my blessings, stepping back to reflect on His kindness, and trusting His gentle hand to continue to whisper peace over my fragile heart. He's been faithful over and over again to do just that - and I'll praise Him for knowing He'll do it again. I don't know the "ending" for our family.... but I do know that He's good. So, so good. And I trust Him with my dreams, my plans, my babies and my life. Friends, I pray you come to a place where you can, too.... that regardless of your personal struggles, victories, heartbreaks or desires that you come to know the only One who can satisfy, Christ Jesus.
He alone satisfies desires, restores broken hearts, redeems our stories, and deserves all the glory.

*Friends in the wanting, I'm praying for you always. If you need a resource, someone to talk to or pray with I would love to connect you to a group of women that would be honored to sit with you in the pain, and in waiting, and in any loss. You are loved, seen and NOT alone.


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