Showing posts from October, 2013

Seeing Closure (but not really).

I'll never forget writing this letter…. I thought about it all day and would not allow myself to go to bed until I had written it. I wanted Baby #3 to know my exact thoughts the day I learned of them - just like I had for Eleanor and Tripp. I guess the funny (actually, not funny at all) thing about writing it, was that I was scared the whole time. I was so nervous that if I actually put my thoughts on paper (or in the computer) that anything going wrong would be magnified that much more. I call that funny only because I really didn't have that with E and T…. of course I was always nervous or scared that I could lose them in the womb, but I don't know if I can explain it. Just a different feeling…. one that I guess I couldn't really believe it was that easy again, pregnant for the third time., and it felt really fragile. So I wrote what is below…. knowing that the letter to our sweet Baby #3 would be the first in their baby book (um, this blog) like E and T both have.

Well, that hurt.

I guess there is a part of me that really hates writing this, but at the same time I believe that it was no accident that yesterday's conversation with Eleanor took place. It always amazes me, it is literally constantly mind-blowing, how sanctifying child - bearing / rearing really is. Its like the Lord is trying to shake me…. "are you listening??? please tell me you heard that, Karen….". I just want to say I get it, today, I get it.  It really has all started ever since my little darling, precious, perfect angel baby turned 3 years old. Its as if something woke up this part of her that she nor I are familiar with… and well, if I am being completely honest a part that I am NOT loving. (Keeping it real here, sweetheart… you'll understand when you are a mom someday). It is as if Eleanor has realized that she can have an opinion about, well, what can't she have an opinion about?.... gasp. All of the sudden challenging momma's thoughts or ideas is not only pos