One Year Later
Today is an anniversary that I imagine many who have one, like me, hate to recognize. It was in the wee hours of the morning just one year ago that I woke up and knew.... that precious Baby #3 that my body was carrying, was no longer going to be a baby I would carry on earth. To say it was horrific would be an understatement. Not just because of the physical act in and of itself, but because in that very moment hopes, dreams, plans for our future were stolen. I remember being so matter-of-fact when I told BJ what was happening... its was about 4am, so it kind of seemed matter-of-fact. But it was in waking up that morning... realizing it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare... my real life nightmare.
Something strange happened as I lost that sweet baby... many of my close friends are aware, but about 10 days later I had a pretty bad fall while picking up Tripp. When I fell, I didn't get back on my feet for the next 5 weeks (literally) with the exception of Eleanor's birthday and a few other random events. When I lost Baby #3, my physical miscarriage ended up doing a world of damage to my already tense back.... I ended up having a herniated and torn disc, that to this day I remain constantly aware of. I've spent the last year (literally) in the doctors office. Whether it was a chiropractor, a physical therapist, or other specialized treatment... the only activity I have been allowed to do is what has been prescribed by a doctor. Talk about insult to injury - in so many ways, losing baby #3 was always at the front of my mind. How could it not be... I am at the doctor or in bed or unable to play with E&T like I should as a result... but more importantly, how could it not be? period.
Its no secret that I have always dreamed of having a big family - before BJ and I were even married I often joked, but was never joking, that I wanted 4 kids in 5 years. When we had Eleanor and found out that we were pregnant with Tripp, I was beside myself that kid-S were actually really in the cards for us. I've never been more humbled in my entire life than in hearing my babies' first cries. They were real, they were gifts to BJ and I, they were a dream come true. Eleanor and Tripp are a dream come true. I am baffled by the fact that I am old enough to be their mom, but wise enough to know that I am not wise at all.... learning along the way. And I guess I just needed a place to say, I am humbled. If Eleanor Michael and Tripper are the two children that have been entrusted to us, and will be the only children ever biologically entrusted to us, I am humbled. Overwhelmed. Joyful. Thankful.
So here I sit today, sad... devastated even, that I am not holding a 4 month old little nugget. My soul hurts today. Like I could throw-up kind of pain. I sit here questioning.... where are you in this, God? What is true about You? about our future? about our hope? about contentment? I'm not afraid to be transparent (obviously), so after months of "trying" to conceive, visiting doctors to figure out why we haven't or how we can.... I'm pretty bummed today to say we are not pregnant. A year later, and no new Rector baby is here on earth or growing in me. "My dream" for my big family seems to just a big question mark. And today, I'll admit that hurts... but I'm okay. I'm not at peace, but I trust the peace-giver. So I'll start there.
But today, I'm also giving thanks. Thank you, Jesus, for Eleanor and Tripp. Thank you for the miracles that they are. I know this now more than ever... they are MIRACLES. I don't take that lightly, nor take them for granted... I'm overwhelmed today as Tripper is literally snuggling with me as I type. Yes, I'm grieving the loss of an unborn baby.... but I'm loving on one right here. Thank you for my babies. I'll be honest, I pray for more. I am mourning not holding Baby #3. For the controlling type, like I am, it is suffocating to not be in control. But, I trust. Today, Tomorrow... I trust. I also realize that my pain today, the loss we had, the unknown future that stands before us does not dictate if God is good. He is... He's saved me, held me, protected and preserved me... and He is faithful to do so until the end.
Something strange happened as I lost that sweet baby... many of my close friends are aware, but about 10 days later I had a pretty bad fall while picking up Tripp. When I fell, I didn't get back on my feet for the next 5 weeks (literally) with the exception of Eleanor's birthday and a few other random events. When I lost Baby #3, my physical miscarriage ended up doing a world of damage to my already tense back.... I ended up having a herniated and torn disc, that to this day I remain constantly aware of. I've spent the last year (literally) in the doctors office. Whether it was a chiropractor, a physical therapist, or other specialized treatment... the only activity I have been allowed to do is what has been prescribed by a doctor. Talk about insult to injury - in so many ways, losing baby #3 was always at the front of my mind. How could it not be... I am at the doctor or in bed or unable to play with E&T like I should as a result... but more importantly, how could it not be? period.
Its no secret that I have always dreamed of having a big family - before BJ and I were even married I often joked, but was never joking, that I wanted 4 kids in 5 years. When we had Eleanor and found out that we were pregnant with Tripp, I was beside myself that kid-S were actually really in the cards for us. I've never been more humbled in my entire life than in hearing my babies' first cries. They were real, they were gifts to BJ and I, they were a dream come true. Eleanor and Tripp are a dream come true. I am baffled by the fact that I am old enough to be their mom, but wise enough to know that I am not wise at all.... learning along the way. And I guess I just needed a place to say, I am humbled. If Eleanor Michael and Tripper are the two children that have been entrusted to us, and will be the only children ever biologically entrusted to us, I am humbled. Overwhelmed. Joyful. Thankful.
So here I sit today, sad... devastated even, that I am not holding a 4 month old little nugget. My soul hurts today. Like I could throw-up kind of pain. I sit here questioning.... where are you in this, God? What is true about You? about our future? about our hope? about contentment? I'm not afraid to be transparent (obviously), so after months of "trying" to conceive, visiting doctors to figure out why we haven't or how we can.... I'm pretty bummed today to say we are not pregnant. A year later, and no new Rector baby is here on earth or growing in me. "My dream" for my big family seems to just a big question mark. And today, I'll admit that hurts... but I'm okay. I'm not at peace, but I trust the peace-giver. So I'll start there.
But today, I'm also giving thanks. Thank you, Jesus, for Eleanor and Tripp. Thank you for the miracles that they are. I know this now more than ever... they are MIRACLES. I don't take that lightly, nor take them for granted... I'm overwhelmed today as Tripper is literally snuggling with me as I type. Yes, I'm grieving the loss of an unborn baby.... but I'm loving on one right here. Thank you for my babies. I'll be honest, I pray for more. I am mourning not holding Baby #3. For the controlling type, like I am, it is suffocating to not be in control. But, I trust. Today, Tomorrow... I trust. I also realize that my pain today, the loss we had, the unknown future that stands before us does not dictate if God is good. He is... He's saved me, held me, protected and preserved me... and He is faithful to do so until the end.
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